Grief as medicine & celebration of my Grandma

TW: Grief and loss of a loved one

I was at the beach the other day just reflecting and one particular realisation consumed me…

My soul remembered how lucky I am to be human.

To be able to feel the full spectrum of human emotions to every extreme.

To grieve the loss of my Grandma has been the first time I’ve actually properly grieved when a loved one has passed.

I’ve actually allowed myself to fully feel it. To be messy. To be human.

I was walking along the beach listening to Enya. One of mine, my mum’s and my Grandma’s favourite artists (if you haven’t listened to her please do, she’s pure Irish magik).

As I sat on the sand and wept, I starred up at the sky, palms up, surrendering to the grief. I got this sudden blissful download from spirit. It was a feeling of deep appreciation and admiration for humanness. How honoured I am to be here in this body on this sand with this magikal view.

That very moment inspired me to write to you. To share this wisdom, this remembrance.

Remember you ARE a human being. You are not merely a spirit, you are MEANT to feel deeply. You are meant to suffer, to wail in pain.

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES & VICTORIAN MUSINGS

I danced to Enya when I was little, still do. We all did, my 3 younger siblings and I. Enya holds so much childhood memory for me.

Whenever I listen to her, I’m taken back in time to my childhood dancing in my Grandparents living room on a red and navy Persian rug. Grandma always had fabulous style. Both clothing fashion wise and interior design wise.

Mum actually told me yesterday that it was Grandma who chose the black and white chessboard tiles that floor the grand hallway in their house. The tiles are something from Alice in Wonderland, mysterious and peculiar. Apparently these were a popular choice in the Victorian era. In the middle of the hall is a large archway, and when we were little Pa would lift us up to kiss goodnight the statues that perch on either side of it.

Although my memories of Grandma are patchy due to my Complex PTSD, I do remember her being very eccentric, like me I suppose.

She was always being silly, always updating me on the latest fashion. Always taking my sister and I clothes shopping at Urban Angels (country femmes will get it).

She was a creative soul, an incredible cook and baker, a lover of antique furniture, roses, orchids and gardening, dolls and teddy bears, quilting, sewing, mosaiquing and scrapbooking. Anything crafty. She was so childlike, but she always had this wise look in her eye, like she knew something you didn’t.

I lived with my grandparents for 3 years from year 10-12 so I could go to a better school. Every night Grandma would waltz up the long hall and call out, “Gemkins dinner’s ready!” Although she wouldn’t really say it, she would sing it; her voice elegant, proper and theatrical.

My bedroom was elegant. Curtains stretched all the way from the intricate ceiling to the floor. A huge queen bed, an ornamental plaster ceiling and stunning chandelier stole the show. I was living my Victorian dream. There was an antique dresser in one corner with two dolls perched atop it. The most gorgeous vintage dolls you’ve ever seen. The desk was also antique made from rich dark mahogany, it was my study sanctuary.

There was this clock on the wall that would tick loudly, I hated it so I took the batteries out every night before bed and when I would get home from school I’d find them back in the clock…

I truly believe their house ignited my love for antiques which perhaps comes from my past lives as well. I know I’ve lived several lifetims in the Victorian era. It’s my favourite era for fashion, architecture and interior design. It will certainly inspire the design of my house when I buy one.

She called me Gemkins or Gemstone. No one else calls me that. She had special names for everyone, it was her quirky little thing.

It’s hard without her. It’s hard to imagine never seeing her again.

I hope I connect either her soul one day, but I have a feeling she’s moved on to her next lifetime.

I wonder if we’ll meet again. Be friends or family in another life.

I’m not sure how long it takes for a soul to move into a new body. It’s something I want to learn more about. What happens?

I never used to fear death really but the last few months I’ve been so hyper aware of death since the genocide in Palestine began and Grandma’s death.

How easily our lives can be taken from us.

How one second you can be alive and the next you’re not.

I hated how my vulva looks

Up until I was about 26 I still hated my vulva.

I thought it was ugly. I thought no one would ever find it pretty or sexy.

I thought I was doomed. I wanted a labiaplasty so badly. I wanted to chop my flaps off. I wanted to get rid of my dangly labia minora. 

Having constant repetitive negative thoughts about your body is so damaging to one’s self-confidence, self-esteem and ultimately self-worth. I would often have distressing intrusive urges to get a pair of scissors and cut my flaps off.

I have always been very confident sexually for the most part, but there was always this thought in the back of my head “no one will ever find your pussy sexy.”

Even though that obviously wasn’t true, I’d had sex with so many people at this point and only a small percentage of them actually commented on the appearance of my vulva. And they were obviously into it, the sex was good and they were turned on.

But my brain has always liked to cling onto the negative things. That’s a PTSD brain. That’s an ADHD and Autistic brain.

Our childhoods, upbringings and neuro-types do come into play here. They come into play in everything aspect of our life.

If we don’t look at our childhood and upbringing when we’re healing any negative belief about ourselves, how can we truly heal? How can we truly get to the root, re-wire and reprogram? We can’t. 

We might get a quick fix. But the belief will likely creep back. 

I’ve been obsessed with psychology and learning about the brain since I can remember. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for 8 years and took psychology electives during my dietetics degree. I would get better marks in my psych electives than my nutrition ones sometimes.

I’ve learnt so much about myself but also about how others brains work over the years and I constantly apply this knowledge to my work.

In my new membership; the Outie Sanctuary Membership, I bring all of this elements into your healing journey. We will look at your childhood, your thought patterns and belief systems.

We will get to the root of why you are hating such a beautiful part of your body. 

I bring psychology into all of my work, I will ALWAYS take a holistic approach to healing. My work will ALWAYS be trauma informed. 

The Outie Sanctuary has all bases covered, you’re in excellent, experienced hands. Click here to learn more about the membership.

Why Bother Unpacking my Social Conditioning Around Periods and My menstrual Cycle? What’s in it for Me?

Well, there’s a f*ck load of reasons, but let’s start here:

🩸 Most women and womb holders are walking around unknowingly carrying sh*t loads of period and sexual shame that was, you guessed it, cast upon us by patriarchy and capitalism.

We are all so conditioned to hustle and grind even when we are in the most, low energy phases of our cycle when our cognitive and physical capacity is at it’s lowest. When cyclically we should be resting and rejuvenating and analysing the month that has just been. Pausing and reflecting. Rethinking and getting curious. Addressing this outdated paradigm is the core of my teachings. My mission and the Blood Slut Movement has always been about empowering women and womb holders to enter a life of sexual and cycle liberation.

A life where we can take a day off work when we need it without feeling the slightest ounce of guilt.

A life where when you meet up with your pals you all ask each other, “What day are you on? How are you feeling, what’s alive for you?” and it’s just the norm.

My mission is to empower you to have a life where your menstrual cycle is at the core of everything you do, every decision you make. It’s always considered, ‘cause you know if it isn’t then shit might hit the fan.

That is, you might not have the energy for that festival you bought a ticket for months ago cause you didn’t consider you’d be premenstrual AF and wanna cave it up at home. You end up dragging yourself to the festi anyway cause your favourite bands playing but you just end up sitting around unable to dance or socialise cause you’re so damn tired and have zero talking capacity, then you start drinking cause you need an energy boost and next thing you know you wake up the next day premenstrual AF with a mad hangover, that sets you back days. Bruh, being hungover when you’re premenstrual is not a vibe, it’s literal death…

OR…

Maybe you plan a holiday with your pals and totally forgot to look at your cycle calendar… And when the week comes around you realise you’re gonna be bleeding for literally the entire trip. And you’re not the social type when you bleed…more like little cave gremlin type, and you’re thinking “fuck, fuck, fuck. how the fuck am I gonna go scuba diving and whale watching and clubbing for 7 days straight?!”

OR…

Maybe you plan a hot, kinky date with your BDSM play partner and completely forgot you’re gonna be ovulating and you use FAM (fertility awareness method) and the whole point of the sesh was satisfying your breeding kink (AKA no condom cum inside you)…but you don’t actually wanna breed… Okay that example was a tad specific ;) But you get my point… I hope hehe.

OR…

Maybe you completely forget to track your cycle in your app ‘cause you don’t consider that a priority and then you lose track of when your next period will start (how people live like this I will never understand - the actual anxiety of not knowing when your period is coming). Then next thing you know you’re presenting at a meeting in front of 10 cishet men in suits and you feel a thick, juicy dumper of a clot climb it’s way out of your vaginal opening and flop onto your tiny lil g-banger that you’re wearing under a WHITE pair of suit pants.

OR…

Maybe you forgot you’re literally a crazy, social slut when you’re follicular (pre-ovulatory) but you didn’t pre-organise any social plans and now all your mates are busy and you literally don’t know what to do with yourself.

OR…

Maybe you didn’t track when your last period was and then one day your next bleed just rocks up ‘out of nowhere’ and you have not prepared at all. You have no frozen meals in the freezer ready to eat, you’re already behind on housework , your partner is away on a work trip, you didn’t organise for someone to baby sit the kids AND you have a project due for work, so now you’re stuck dealing with all of that on your bleed. This leads you to be even more exhausted, but you keep not prioritising cycle tracking and this keeps happening on repeat cycle after cycle until you end up hella depressed and burnt out cause you literally have nothing left in the tank.

These examples of non-cyclical living are not to shame you. They are to show you the IMPORTANCE of living in sync with your menstrual cycle AKA CYCLICAL LIVING. If we keep putting off learning about our body’s cyclical nature and our own unique cyclical patterns…we are gonna get stuck in perpetual doom cycles that ultimately lead to burnout, mental illness and poor health.

If you want to avoid burnout and live a sustainable life where your cup is always overflowing, my online program Blood Magik is your new safe space to unravel, unwind and heal. Inside the cosy cave that is Blood Magik, you will learn how to integrate cyclical living into your unique lifestyle in a practical way thats doable for you. It also offers you healing tools and live group coaching to support you on your sexual healing and liberation journey.

It’s a well-rounded and in depth program, this is not superficial level sh*t. It is for the rebellious souls who seek a life outside the social and conventional norms. It was created using a holistic health and healing model. It targets all areas of your life and being; diet/nutrition, movement/exercise, mental health, energetic healing, spiritual/ancestral/intergenerational, emotional regulation, sexuality, sensuality and of course your womb, pussy and cycle.

The program is currently 50% off and it’s waiting to hold you, to nurture you through this adjustment process. Payment plans are available. Click here for more info on the program. The 2023 cohort begins on Nov 15th 2023.

Read about my qualifications and my story.

Lionsgate portal 8/8/23

This is an excerpt from from my favourite Astrology app (this isn't an ad): The Pattern; “ It could seem like things are moving faster now, and that your efforts are multiplying or accelerating. At the same time, any high-speed downloads pr transitions can seem jarring - so if you’re feeling inexplicably exhausted or burned out know that this is normal.” Head to the app to read the rest!

It's amazing and I highly recommend downloading it if you wanna level up in your life cause damn it knows what is up!!

I love to connect with people on there and read your chart, so add me as a friend, my username is thebloodslut. 

Okay so today we hit the peak of the Lionsgate Portal. If you don't know what that is The Pattern will tell you!

So read that and then come back to this if you like.

I completely forgot we were at the portal peak today, and I read The Pattern and had so many a'ha moments it was insane!! 

This is why so much has fallen into place: new client, discovery call booked, Seen published my story - if you haven't watched it head to my IG - my biz is really starting to take off and. can feel it energetically. I thought spirit hasn't been communicating with me lately, but psych lol they had just been more subtle and I've been dissociated as f*** man.

So basically I've been so burnt out and exhausted - last week I was so wiped I could barely get out of bed after sleeping in til 11.30am (this is super rare for me I usually wake up at 8am and can never fall back to sleep). I was also having trouble getting to sleep - like for weeks actually - and even my CBD/CBN oil was not doing shit, a strong chamomile tea…nope. 

The only thing that knocked me out was having a super strict night time routine with yin yoga right before bed but I wasn't able to do that until a couple of night okay bc my brain was RACING.

I couldn't stay still - and this felt like more than hyperactive ADHD/flight response/NS hyperarousal. This was like something is going on in the cosmos bitch. 

Now I understand my system was intuitively resting because it KNEW I was about to boost the fuck up. My soul was guiding me every step of the way, mentally I've naturally just been surrendering to it. I have become so fucking good at listening to my intuition without even realising just how god Ive become. 

My soul has been getting me to rest so I can recalibrate and regenerate after a tough few years. After my first 1.5 years of business and creating for you all. It's like okay bitch - rest the fuck up cause we about to LEVEL UP.

It is preparing my system so I can HOLD MORE. So I can step into this new, upgraded version of me. 

This is why I’ve been having such a difficult time sleeping - my brain has been so overloaded by downloads from spirit. I’ve had so many random thoughts and my mind has been buzzing late into the night. I also woke up with intense ringing in my ears today which has hung around ALL DAY. I’ve tried to pop my ears and nothing is happening. I’ve read somewhere that ears ringing can be a sign of spirit trying to connect with you.

I’ve been purging so much childhood trauma and so much emotional pain and past suffering since Chiron and Venus went retrograde. It’s all been in preparation for bigger things.

I’ve been having so many rememberings and done so much refining of backend business thangs.

My soul has been physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically and spiritually preparing me for a huge growth in my business and in my personal development. This is why suddenly I decided while eating lunch last week that I would end Season 1 of Blood Slut (my podcast) cause I just knew it was time. I knew I was burning out and I knew it was time to cull some commitments in order to focus inward and on manifestation and refinement.

This is a time for all of us to direct out energy in a more conscious way - to actually cut out any baggage thats been clouding our vision or clogging up our calendar.

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE podcast producing and hosting, but you have to take a break, like we are not machines. I always go with the flow on these things, I don’t necessarily plan exactly when podcast seasons will end or when I’m going to launch something - I allow my soul’s intuition to guide me, I allow spirit to guide me. I am merely a vessel and human form to deliver you the goods.

F***, I love how intelligent my soul is. Wise b****. Like damn that’s some good s***. I hope you can harness the energy of this portal to really use it to your advantage.

It’s time for a full life cleanse. I’m talking friendships, partners, family, household, business, commitments, hobbies, finances - what can you LET GO OF? What are you paying for that you don’t even USE? Where can you SAVE money. How can you CONSERVE energy?

Overall this Lionsgate Portal 2023 has boosted my intuition and guided me to unravel in order to be reborn into a new, upgraded version of myself. SLAY.

What a brilliant time for me to launch Blood Magik. BM is my online program, I’m currently taking Complimentary Discovery Calls, learn more and book yours here. And if you have a call in the next 2 weeks, you score early bird prices. Payment plans are available.